I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
