I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
