Someone shit on the floor
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
