This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
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After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
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Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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