Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
