I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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