if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
