I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
