My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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