Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
