ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
