Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
