that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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