well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
