Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
organizing the empties. That sober.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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