I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
