Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
