He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
