I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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