i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
