You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Randomize
