I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
