Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
