I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
