Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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