I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
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