I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.