Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.