If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Randomize