morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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