fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
