God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
