The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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