I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
