you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
