I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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