you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
