I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
And then he peed in my hair
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