Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
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Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
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Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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