i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
