I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
