a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.