theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.