I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.