My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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