I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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