He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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