This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
