I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
