We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
