I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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