I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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