They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize