You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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