I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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