Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
