Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
